A Day To Reflect

It’s the last day of the long weekend and what am I doing??? I’m sitting at home about to watch an episode of Oprah, which features my ‘Tommy’ (Tom Cruise). It’s a very strange day today. I feel as if I should be outside enjoying the warm weather or maybe re-acquainting myself with some of my long-lost friends. But instead, I’ve decided to stay in the house, while my parents are outside decorating the yard.

Lately, I don’t quite feel like myself. I have a million thoughts running through my head, and I don’t even know which ones to process first. Like usual, I have a lot of questions, and very few answers. But unlike before, I know where to obtain the answers, yet I’m too afraid to ask the dreaded questions.

So today has simple turned into a day to focus on who I am. It’s a day to gather all my stuff up, clean up the house, arrange my life, and reflect on my past, my present, and my future. I know that sounds cheesy, but so far that’s what the day has been devoted to. And as of now, my stuff is almost all cleaned up, and now it’s time to relax, and see what happens.

I can honestly say that I wish I was out doing something. Actually, I kind of wish I was out with one person, H***. The last couple of days have been great. We have a lot in common, and I can’t speak for him, but I always have fun when I’m with him.

I long for a relationship. But would I ever pursue one with him??? I very strongly doubt it. If he was younger, or maybe I was more mature, then possibly. But for right now, it won’t happen. With that said, that doesn’t mean I don’t ‘love’ him as a friend. He’s one of few people who I’ve let penetrate my heart and get into my world. I don’t think he quite realizes how much he means to me and how special he truly is. He doesn’t realize this because I’ve never told him. My life would not be what it is now if he had not entered it. I owe him the world, and some.

For those of you that know me well, you know that my love life is often a quiet topic. I don’t speak much of it, and in my mind, I have valid reasons for that. My heart has trouble letting go of things that happened in my past, and there are a lot of times when I remember how much I enjoyed being with certain men in my past, and how much I wish I could still curl up in their arms and have them back. I just long to know that someone cares about me, that I am special to someone in this world. I want to be held by comforting arms that silently let me know that I am safe and everything will be okay. I know I’ve had that with some people, but really it’s been no one I’ve gone beyond friends with.

“The more things change, the more they stay the same”

It’s a statement that has been proven true time and time again. I have a great friendship with H***, and the more it changes for the better, the more I can see it progressing back to where all of my other friendships have gone. And because of that, I’m afraid of what our future will be like. I question every time I see him whether or not that will be the last time I get to spend in his company. It’s hard to explain because I’m not in love with him; I just deeply value his friendship.

I don’t have a lot of close friends. In fact, I don’t have a lot of friends anymore. We’ve moved on, and chosen to take separate paths that I hope will someday cross. Highly unlikely, but I will always keep that small hope alive. For this reason, I really do treasure the few remaining friends that I have. Some would call me a “loner”…and they’d be right. I just have such a hard time keeping friends, or rather making good friends who I don’t feel are indispensable.

I feel as if this entry is not going where I originally hoped it would, and I don’t want to erase it and start over. Everything has been real, and I can’t just delete how I think and feel even if it isn’t what I hoped it would be.

I want a companion…I feel that this is the only way I can really feel happy in life. I haven’t dated anyone in a long time, and I’m really beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me that is keeping me single. Above a companion though, I truly want a friend. Someone I can turn to just to chat with, someone who will hold me when I feel alone and scared, and someone who together we can compliment one another’s lives. I thought I had that with H***, but lately I’m beginning to question that. Our cuddle sessions have turned into sitting on opposite ends of the couch watching television. I really miss the way things used to be between us, and as hard as I try to talk to him about it, I can never gain the courage or find the words. I really am the lion…I have no courage!!!